Full time writer/Full time parent

There is a history of asking successful women with families how they can accomplish so much and raise the children too. There is a history of not asking successful men questions about their families or how they can do so well in their profession and be a father. It's sexist, and it's demeaning to both men and women. It's telling women all they can do is mother, and it's telling men that fathering is on the backburner. An extracurricular if you will. And this bothers me. It bothers me when people talk to me like my writing is some cute hobby, and why don't I stop so I can clean more?

However, I want to talk about doing both parenting and writing, and here's why: I know a lot of men and women who are full time parents and are trying to write. The reality is that writing doesn't pay much and it takes FOREVER to get your foot in the door. It's hard, grueling work. You will either need a full time job to support yourself while you write or you may have a spouse who is willing to sacrifice to give you the luxury of writing time.

Now if that's the case, and if you have kids, chances are your family won't be in a position to pay for childcare and allow you the time to write. Chances are you will be writing and raising kids and the majority of the housework will fall to you because you're the one who is home.

This is not to say I don't love raising my kids. I love being home with them, taking them out to lunch or to the playground or the library. I love snuggles and reading time and sharing a snack. I love every single cuddle and wet kiss.

But I also love to write. There have been times when I've found myself resenting things that take me away from the writing...not so much kids, but errands. And dishes. And laundry. And all those little necessary things that have to get done to run a home and keep a family fed and clothed.

I often joke that if I had the money I wouldn't hire a babysitter, I'd hire a housekeeper.

But over the years I've figured out a system to keep that writer fire going and take care of the other stuff too. So I'm excited to share with you how to put in eight or more hours a day towards your writing and raise your kids. Some of this will be helpful for those who work full time too.

In the past twelve years I've written and revised five novels (none are published yet) two nonfiction books (one published, one scheduled to be out next year) earned my MFA, taught at a community college for the past three years and had five children...and I've never had childcare.

I remember well the spring of 2006. I was pregnant with my oldest and about to graduate from Florida State with my undergrad in English with a concentration in creative writing. Graduation and childbirth were occuring within a week of each other, and then I'd be living the dream...home with my new baby, and a blank page. Suddenly the dream was terrifying. I had worked in daycare for six years, I knew plenty about the care and maintenance of young children. How could I possibly take care of a baby and write?

At first, it was easy. I got my baby on a schedule and I wrote during naptime and after she went to sleep at night. My husband was still in school, and he worked from four to midnight. I'd put her to bed at seven, and then write until he got home. Five uninterrupted hours of writing, plus whatever I got done during naptime. I wrote my first novel in a couple of months.

But as my daughter got older, and my husband's scheduled changed, and I had another baby, things started to get more complicated. My long chunks of uninterrupted time disappeared. I had to learn to work in snatches of time, the odd moment here and there. So I've developed my own system of writing, some of it derived from advise from other parent/authors, and I'd like to share my biggest most successful techniques with you now.

1. Plan a time to actually sit and write. I know some people who get up early and do this before the kids are awake. That doesn't work for me. I'm not a morning person, the get-them-all-ready-for-school craziness of the morning makes me anxious so I can't focus, and I really need the time to mull things over before I sit down to write. Figure out what time works best for you. Early morning? Naptime? That lull after you drop the four year old off at preschool and your baby is happily self-feeding in the high chair? After dinner while your spouse watches the TV and the kids take their baths? After bedtime when the house settles down for the night? A combination of these? Pick your time and make it a routine, a ritual, a sacred part of your day.

2. Now that you've picked your time, your brain will start to plan...to plot...to work towards that moment when you'll have your butt in the chair. Notice that earlier I said you'd be putting eight or more hours towards your writing...I didn't say you'd be writing that many hours. One of my favorite quotes about writing is from Agatha Christi: "The best time to plan a novel is while doing the dishes." I had that hung over my sink for some time. Use the time during all those mind numbing tasks you have to do every day to plan your writing. This takes practice: the more you do it, the more effective it becomes. Then when you sit down to write, the words will flow and you'll get the most of the time you have to write. Yesterday was a rotten day. I had errands all morning, and someone hit my car in a parking lot and threw me off track, which caused me to be behind all day, and to lose the hour or so I would have had to write. I'd planned to write a poem. I haven't written poetry in a long time, I'm in this weird in between place with a couple of big projects where I can't work on either of them right now but I can't really start a new big project because those projects aren't done, so I'm doing some smaller things while I wait. And I had this idea for a poem, and I wanted to write it yesterday. So as I drove around, as I bought milk and baby food and mayonnaise, as I waited for the police to come meet me in the parking lot, as I took my daughter to speech therapy and fed my baby his jar food, I mulled over this poem. I started it at least three times in my head. Hated two of those beginnings. Played with the third one, over and over...sounds, words, how they'd fit...  So last night, as I laid down in bed, bone weary with exhaustion, I pulled up a blank email on my phone and I wrote that poem. If I hadn't thought about it all day long, I'd have had several false starts, and as tired as I was I probably would've given up. But the words were in my head, and all I had to do was type them out. It's not perfect, there's these two lines that mirror each other and they are just really off, and I need to figure out what to do with those, so I'm mulling on that today, but I wrote the poem. I also thought about this blog post a lot yesterday, and so today it's just coming together nicely.

3. Feed yourself. Your odd moments and errands don't need to all be story planing, in fact they shouldn't be. You need to develop your craft. Always. Craft books and novels are great food, but it can be hard to read for long stretches of time (although you should make time to read some everyday, even if it's just in the bathroom). I've found the podcast "Writing Excuses" to be excellent food. There are several great literary-quality story podcasts out there too. I've recently discovered "PodCastle" which is fantasy short stories...good stuff. I've heard some beginning writers say they don't read (WHAT?!?!?!) because they don't want those other books to influence their "voice".  Here's the thing with that: you can't really accidentally take another writer's voice. There may be some residual influence, sure, like how I have the faintest British accent after watching all five hours of the A&E Pride and Prejudice, but it's gone in like ten minutes. Even if you try to intentionally write in the same voice as another writer, you'd probably fail at it cause that's a serious feat few can accomplish. (Brandon Sanderson pulled this off when he finished Robert Jordan's "The Wheel of Time" series, Mark Winegardner does not pull this off in "The Godfather Returns"...no offense to Mark) So even if you read nothing but Lemony Snicket novels, you're not going to write like Lemony Snicket. If you're reading a wide variety of novels by different authors in different genres, which is what you should be doing, then there's really no chance of you sounding like one of these other authors. This may help you shape and develop your own unique voice, but that's very different. The other excuse I hear beginning authors give for not reading is that they don't want other stories to influence their WIP's plot. Okay, so this is a bit different. You need to know and understand what's out there in the genre you're writing in because if you don't know what's been done there's a good chance you'll replicate it. Why? Because we all watch TV and stuff, we internalize tropes. Tropes are the lazy over done stereotypical things in genre fiction that readers are just tired of (beam me up Scotty, here's another vampire, this ring is magic) This is not to say you can't create a fresh original take on a trope, thereby making it no longer a trope, but in order to do that you've got to have an in depth understanding of the genre which you can only develop by....READING!!!! Now I have heard writers say when they're working on a book they don't read books like that, but that's because they've already read those books before they started to write. Again, you've got to understand what's out there.

4. Use the waiting time. I've written so much in parking lots it's nuts. On my laptop, or on my phone, or on old school paper. Waiting for preschool to end, waiting at Girl Scouts, waiting at swim practice, waiting during church activities. If you have kids, you will at some point be somewhere just waiting for them. This is also a good time to read. Don't just mindlessly scroll Facebook or play Hayday. You are a writer, put in the time to write.

If writing is more than a cute hobby to you, then treat it like more. Invest the time and energy into it that it requires. It's more than just butt in the chair time, it's all the little things you can do while you're taking care of your kids and your home that add up and build to help you become a better writer. All these pieces mold and shape you, so that when you do have that precious time to sit and write, you've got something to say, and you're saying it better.