How I Dropped the Ball on Banned Book Week

Happy Banned Book Week! Okay, actually Banned Book Week was at the end of September, and here we are mid October... But I wrote this post in September, excited to share my thoughts about banned books, and then life happened and I went out of town for a week and had horrible WiFi, and I've been playing catch up ever since...But I have this awesome post, and I even recruited some amazing art from the awesome Etha Pat @elvaerhapat, so I have to share this post, right? So here we go, back in time to late September:

Image by Etha Pat, on Instagram @elvaethapatart

          It’s Banned Book Week, a week to celebrate and read books that have been banned! These are usually children’s books and young adult books, and they are usually being banned from school libraries and reading lists. Sometimes their presence in the public library is bring protested. Sure, there are other books that get banned, usually books pushing for violence and riots, but those are far less common. The books that are usually banned are books about the hard stuff: abuse, alcoholism, racism, LGBTQ issues. Books about sex education. These books are also objected to because they sometimes contain profanity.

            Who is objecting to these books? It’s usually concerned parents, wishing to shelter their children from the world for a few years longer. They are just kids, they don’t need to be exposed to that kind of thing, right? These are dangerous, radical ideas, I don’t want my child exposed to that kind of thing.

            When I was a child, my exposure to books was never censored, and I’m not sure if that was a conscious choice of my mother’s or just a happy accident. I tried to read “Roots” at a very young age, and failed. I listened to audiocassettes of “Clan of the Cavebear” and several other books in that series while still in elementary school, and only realized much later the heavy sexual content of those books (oops). But I read and listened to everything I could get my hands on. Every two weeks we’d go to the small public library, and I’d go home with a huge stack of books I had no chance of working through before it was time to return them, but I would try. And while I wouldn’t recommend “Clan of the Cavebear” for elementary school children, I feel this unfettered access to information and ideas shaped me into a better person. And there’s science to back that up.

            There have been several studies showing that we can learn empathy when we read about others who are different than us. This is true when we read about people with different challenges than us as well. You may reside over a picture perfect heterosexual home with no substance abuse or physical or emotional abuse going on. Great! And you may homeschool, and never watch TV or see movies, you may effectively shelter your child from everything and everyone. But for how long? Your child will eventually go out in the world and meet people and have to deal with situations outside of their realm of experience. How will they react when their college roommate is dealing with an abusive boyfriend? Or when they have a friend dealing with addiction? Or the first time they meet someone who is gay? You may respond that you’ve taught your child to be kind to everyone and they’ll do fine…but being told to be kind is different than learning empathy. Books provide a safe place to learn about different life experiences, and to learn about hard things. Still uncomfortable with your child reading a banned book? Read it first and be prepared to talk about these topics.

Image by Etha Pat, on Instagram @elvaethapatart

And you may not know everything your child is going through. A couple of years ago I talked with a student who in high school began cutting herself, but she kept it secret from her parents. Then one day at the library she discovered a book about a teen dealing with depression and self-harm…and that book changed her life.

            Books have been there for me. I read “Before Women Had Wings” in high school, and it was like a revelation to read about someone going through the types of things I was going through. Because we don’t talk about these issues, when you’re experiencing them it can be extremely isolating. That book was like a bright light shone into a dark room. I wasn’t alone.

            If you censor your child’s reading, think about why. Profanity? You can’t walk down the street without hearing it, it’s in most movies that aren’t rated G, and it’s even on the radio. I’ve had some say that reading it is worse, but I don’t really think so. It’s more obvious, but when we are hearing it we are still internalizing it. This is why when you learn a language you can’t just read the text book, you have to participate in conversations in that language. I think reading violence is actually less sensory than watching it in a show. Your mind shuts off the more graphic details, which doesn’t happen when you watch a violent show. Books are easy to skim uncomfortable bits, and easy to close if it does become too hard. Don’t underestimate your child’s ability to self-censor.

            My oldest and I have a deal. She can read anything, but we have to talk about it. If I know there’s something in it, we talk about it before, and if something comes up I didn’t know about, she’ll come to me and we discuss it. The only thing I really object to in young adult books are the books where unhealthy co-dependent or emotionally abusive relationships are made to look normal or even romantic. This is why I didn’t want her to read Twilight. But we talked about it, and she wanted to read it because a friend of hers really likes it, so I allowed it. She ended up abandoning them somewhere in the second book.

            I encourage you to read something that makes you uncomfortable and that is widely outside the realm of your life experiences. This is how you learn and grow, which is what we should all be doing every day that we are alive.

Image by Etha Pat, on Instagram @elvaethapatart

  

Investing in Your Writing...Is there a ROI?

The hubby (a longtime supporter of my writing addiction) and I were reflecting on the money we've investing in my writing. It's a lot. I'm not going into figures, but it's a lot.

One Bachelor's degree, many many books, a pitch conference, a writer's conference, a full novel critique that wasn't as thorough as it might have been but was still helpful, an MFA program, an alumni weekend trip...and another upcoming writing workshop/novel critique (which thank goodness I got a discount on!)

Was it all worth it? Well, the pitch conference was a rip off, I see that now. I learned very little from it given the time and expense it took, but I met some awesome people, some of whom I'm still in touch with today. But the rest of it? Was that worth it? Definitely.

Investing in your writing is scary, because there's no guarantee it'll pay off. And it's easy to think it's an unnecessary expense. Writing is easy, you just sit at a keyboard and type out some words, right? But not investing is risky too...it can stunt your growth as a writer. Sure there are some successful writers who have, with little time or money, become great successes. But most of the writers I know have spent lots of time and large amounts of money learning their craft. Think of it like with musicians: yes, there are people who, just from ear, can pick up any instrument and play it beautifully. Are you one of those people? I am not. I took four years of piano lessons, can't sight read to save my life, and have a grand total of two songs memorized, neither of them very impressive or advanced. Most musicians study music for years, paying lots of money for lessons. It's the same with athletes. My kids swim on a summer swim team, and love it, and we cheer them on at every swim meet. But they will never be very good. Why? Because they swim two months out of the year, and that's it. We don't have the time or the means to invest in a year round swim league for them (and thankfully they're okay with that). Those athletes in the Olympics, or even just on college teams? Years and years of practice, training, and financial investment got them to that level. And just like with writing, there was no guarantee that the investment would pay off.

I did work on my own for many years, reading craft books and novels and just writing. It was long, grueling, frustrating work. I had my BA, but going for that MFA seemed like a luxury I couldn't afford. So I worked alone, and did small conferences and such here and there. Finally though I got to a point where I knew I'd gone as far by myself as I could, and at that point I found Hamline and my MFA program. I'm actually grateful I waited as long as I did, because I think I got more out of it by waiting. And I progressed much more rapidly in those two years working with amazing professional writers than I had when it was just me, a blank page, and a stack of books.

So now I've got this novel...it's the fifth novel I've written, the one I started during my MFA program, my baby. I revised extensively during that gap between nonfiction books, and I got it as far as I could. It's the best thing I've ever written...the very best...but I'm left with this nagging question of is it good enough? So after much painful deliberation, I reached out to a trusted friend who is a professional writer...the kind I dream to be...and asked if I should invest once again in this writing dream.

And guess what I found out? This amazing successful writer has an independent editor! Yep, this writer is still investing in writing, even after getting ROI.

And I have seen some ROI, though small returns so far: I've sold two nonfiction books, which is something. I've been an adjunct professor for three years, and even though the pay isn't great it's a job I enjoy that allows me both time with my kids and writing time. And then there are the slippery, harder to measure things, like the fact that I'm happier. I'm always happier when I'm writing. My mental health is much better too, in ways that counseling and medication can't accomplish. I am still hoping for that big payoff: getting an agent, selling this novel that I love so much, but I've learned to be patient.

Here is my advice to you, if you are considering investing in your writing (because not all investments are equal):

1. Like in any financial investment, avoid the get rich quick schemes. This online course will teach you to write a best seller! Learn to self-publish and make six figures doing it! Launch a new career by writing nonfiction! The pitch conference I went to promised meetings with agents and a polished pitch. Looking back, the pitch I crafted there was mediocre at best. I only met one agent, and honestly I think my work was given as much consideration as something from the slush pile, because even though the agent did request my book, it was rejected with no feedback. I could have done just as well reading a few posts on Query Shark and sending out a cold query letter on my own. And there are lots of events like this that will promise you the exposure needed to sell your book, when really what you need is the ability to write a better book and query letter to sell it. Focus on craft, that's what should be most important.

2. Seriously consider going for the degree. Seriously. If you're underemployed, unemployed, if you hate your job, think about it. A degree can open more opportunities for you. In most states, a BA can get your foot in the door to teach public school or to at least sub. A BA in creative writing plus a few extra credits can be a teaching certificate. An MFA can mean teaching college classes. This is of course if you enjoy teaching. The perk of both of these career options is they still allow for ample time to write. The downfall is neither pays well, especially if you're an adjunct professor. But depending on your current job situation, it may be a worthwhile trade.

3. Ask advice. If you know any writers who are successful on any level, talk to them about what helped them the most. How did they get there? What investments paid off the most for them? If you go to a conference or a reading, and there's time to ask the author questions, ask them this.

4. Look for community. Writing is a lonely business, and you need community. If you look through literary history, many great writers were friends with...other great writers! Like Tolkien and CS Lewis...who liked each other, but not each other's work. Now I've tried those writing groups on Facebook and Twitter and such, but it's not the same as a connection with people you've met face to face. When you're looking at conferences or MFA programs, look also at the networking potential. These friendships are great for the sake of camaraderie in a lonely craft, but they are also great for connecting with others and learning about job opportunities. Most writers I know are interested in helping and building each other up...and you need that!

5. Find or start a critique group with writers who are on the same level as you. This is a cheap investment in the financial department, but can be hard to pull off logistically. This can be a helpful way to start improving your craft.

6. Look at credentials. This guy selling you this conference, who is he anyway? What's he done that's so great? Who will you be learning from at this event, and what feedback will you be given? Can you find reviews from others who have attended this event in the past?

7. Don't pay for something you can do for free. You don't need to pay to meet agents. I know this is a bit of a repeat of number one, but it bears repeating. Almost all the writers I know got their agents by sending out query letters. A very few got referrals. It's cool and it's thrilling to meet an agent, and if you're at an event where an agent is speaking on the business side of writing it's totally worth your time, but don't pay money to pitch an agent.

I get that investing in your art is scary, and hard. We've never really been in a place financially where this investment has been easy, but we keep doing it. And I can see it paying off. My writing is much stronger, my critical reading skills are much sharper. I can see the bits and pieces of novels now, and how all the little moving parts fit together, and it's truly amazing. My mental health is better, I'm a better wife and mother for it, and I'm happy. Will there be a financial payoff as well? Will I sell a best-selling novel, or even a midlist novel? Will I get a faculty position at the college I teach at? Will I keep selling nonfiction books? I don't know.

But I do know I'll still be here, just writing. And you should be writing too.

Full time writer/Full time parent

There is a history of asking successful women with families how they can accomplish so much and raise the children too. There is a history of not asking successful men questions about their families or how they can do so well in their profession and be a father. It's sexist, and it's demeaning to both men and women. It's telling women all they can do is mother, and it's telling men that fathering is on the backburner. An extracurricular if you will. And this bothers me. It bothers me when people talk to me like my writing is some cute hobby, and why don't I stop so I can clean more?

However, I want to talk about doing both parenting and writing, and here's why: I know a lot of men and women who are full time parents and are trying to write. The reality is that writing doesn't pay much and it takes FOREVER to get your foot in the door. It's hard, grueling work. You will either need a full time job to support yourself while you write or you may have a spouse who is willing to sacrifice to give you the luxury of writing time.

Now if that's the case, and if you have kids, chances are your family won't be in a position to pay for childcare and allow you the time to write. Chances are you will be writing and raising kids and the majority of the housework will fall to you because you're the one who is home.

This is not to say I don't love raising my kids. I love being home with them, taking them out to lunch or to the playground or the library. I love snuggles and reading time and sharing a snack. I love every single cuddle and wet kiss.

But I also love to write. There have been times when I've found myself resenting things that take me away from the writing...not so much kids, but errands. And dishes. And laundry. And all those little necessary things that have to get done to run a home and keep a family fed and clothed.

I often joke that if I had the money I wouldn't hire a babysitter, I'd hire a housekeeper.

But over the years I've figured out a system to keep that writer fire going and take care of the other stuff too. So I'm excited to share with you how to put in eight or more hours a day towards your writing and raise your kids. Some of this will be helpful for those who work full time too.

In the past twelve years I've written and revised five novels (none are published yet) two nonfiction books (one published, one scheduled to be out next year) earned my MFA, taught at a community college for the past three years and had five children...and I've never had childcare.

I remember well the spring of 2006. I was pregnant with my oldest and about to graduate from Florida State with my undergrad in English with a concentration in creative writing. Graduation and childbirth were occuring within a week of each other, and then I'd be living the dream...home with my new baby, and a blank page. Suddenly the dream was terrifying. I had worked in daycare for six years, I knew plenty about the care and maintenance of young children. How could I possibly take care of a baby and write?

At first, it was easy. I got my baby on a schedule and I wrote during naptime and after she went to sleep at night. My husband was still in school, and he worked from four to midnight. I'd put her to bed at seven, and then write until he got home. Five uninterrupted hours of writing, plus whatever I got done during naptime. I wrote my first novel in a couple of months.

But as my daughter got older, and my husband's scheduled changed, and I had another baby, things started to get more complicated. My long chunks of uninterrupted time disappeared. I had to learn to work in snatches of time, the odd moment here and there. So I've developed my own system of writing, some of it derived from advise from other parent/authors, and I'd like to share my biggest most successful techniques with you now.

1. Plan a time to actually sit and write. I know some people who get up early and do this before the kids are awake. That doesn't work for me. I'm not a morning person, the get-them-all-ready-for-school craziness of the morning makes me anxious so I can't focus, and I really need the time to mull things over before I sit down to write. Figure out what time works best for you. Early morning? Naptime? That lull after you drop the four year old off at preschool and your baby is happily self-feeding in the high chair? After dinner while your spouse watches the TV and the kids take their baths? After bedtime when the house settles down for the night? A combination of these? Pick your time and make it a routine, a ritual, a sacred part of your day.

2. Now that you've picked your time, your brain will start to plan...to plot...to work towards that moment when you'll have your butt in the chair. Notice that earlier I said you'd be putting eight or more hours towards your writing...I didn't say you'd be writing that many hours. One of my favorite quotes about writing is from Agatha Christi: "The best time to plan a novel is while doing the dishes." I had that hung over my sink for some time. Use the time during all those mind numbing tasks you have to do every day to plan your writing. This takes practice: the more you do it, the more effective it becomes. Then when you sit down to write, the words will flow and you'll get the most of the time you have to write. Yesterday was a rotten day. I had errands all morning, and someone hit my car in a parking lot and threw me off track, which caused me to be behind all day, and to lose the hour or so I would have had to write. I'd planned to write a poem. I haven't written poetry in a long time, I'm in this weird in between place with a couple of big projects where I can't work on either of them right now but I can't really start a new big project because those projects aren't done, so I'm doing some smaller things while I wait. And I had this idea for a poem, and I wanted to write it yesterday. So as I drove around, as I bought milk and baby food and mayonnaise, as I waited for the police to come meet me in the parking lot, as I took my daughter to speech therapy and fed my baby his jar food, I mulled over this poem. I started it at least three times in my head. Hated two of those beginnings. Played with the third one, over and over...sounds, words, how they'd fit...  So last night, as I laid down in bed, bone weary with exhaustion, I pulled up a blank email on my phone and I wrote that poem. If I hadn't thought about it all day long, I'd have had several false starts, and as tired as I was I probably would've given up. But the words were in my head, and all I had to do was type them out. It's not perfect, there's these two lines that mirror each other and they are just really off, and I need to figure out what to do with those, so I'm mulling on that today, but I wrote the poem. I also thought about this blog post a lot yesterday, and so today it's just coming together nicely.

3. Feed yourself. Your odd moments and errands don't need to all be story planing, in fact they shouldn't be. You need to develop your craft. Always. Craft books and novels are great food, but it can be hard to read for long stretches of time (although you should make time to read some everyday, even if it's just in the bathroom). I've found the podcast "Writing Excuses" to be excellent food. There are several great literary-quality story podcasts out there too. I've recently discovered "PodCastle" which is fantasy short stories...good stuff. I've heard some beginning writers say they don't read (WHAT?!?!?!) because they don't want those other books to influence their "voice".  Here's the thing with that: you can't really accidentally take another writer's voice. There may be some residual influence, sure, like how I have the faintest British accent after watching all five hours of the A&E Pride and Prejudice, but it's gone in like ten minutes. Even if you try to intentionally write in the same voice as another writer, you'd probably fail at it cause that's a serious feat few can accomplish. (Brandon Sanderson pulled this off when he finished Robert Jordan's "The Wheel of Time" series, Mark Winegardner does not pull this off in "The Godfather Returns"...no offense to Mark) So even if you read nothing but Lemony Snicket novels, you're not going to write like Lemony Snicket. If you're reading a wide variety of novels by different authors in different genres, which is what you should be doing, then there's really no chance of you sounding like one of these other authors. This may help you shape and develop your own unique voice, but that's very different. The other excuse I hear beginning authors give for not reading is that they don't want other stories to influence their WIP's plot. Okay, so this is a bit different. You need to know and understand what's out there in the genre you're writing in because if you don't know what's been done there's a good chance you'll replicate it. Why? Because we all watch TV and stuff, we internalize tropes. Tropes are the lazy over done stereotypical things in genre fiction that readers are just tired of (beam me up Scotty, here's another vampire, this ring is magic) This is not to say you can't create a fresh original take on a trope, thereby making it no longer a trope, but in order to do that you've got to have an in depth understanding of the genre which you can only develop by....READING!!!! Now I have heard writers say when they're working on a book they don't read books like that, but that's because they've already read those books before they started to write. Again, you've got to understand what's out there.

4. Use the waiting time. I've written so much in parking lots it's nuts. On my laptop, or on my phone, or on old school paper. Waiting for preschool to end, waiting at Girl Scouts, waiting at swim practice, waiting during church activities. If you have kids, you will at some point be somewhere just waiting for them. This is also a good time to read. Don't just mindlessly scroll Facebook or play Hayday. You are a writer, put in the time to write.

If writing is more than a cute hobby to you, then treat it like more. Invest the time and energy into it that it requires. It's more than just butt in the chair time, it's all the little things you can do while you're taking care of your kids and your home that add up and build to help you become a better writer. All these pieces mold and shape you, so that when you do have that precious time to sit and write, you've got something to say, and you're saying it better.

Becoming a multitasker

I’ve never been good about juggling multiple projects. I can multitask by writing while breastfeeding or eating, but when it comes to managing, say, working on a book and housework, or housework and grading papers, or writing and grading, I tend to zone in on a single task. Everything else gets dropped. Now with the housework the kids and the hubs do help out a lot, but I’m still the one home the most with the most flexible schedule...and honestly I’m getting tired of the constant mess and chaos myself. I often joke that you can always tell how much writing I’m getting done by how messy my house is, but the joke is getting old even to me.

Awhile ago, someone told me about the app Todoist, and I downloaded it, but never really used it. A little over a week ago, I started to play around with it.

Folks, this app is perfect for anyone managing multiple large projects...and especially for writers.

You’ve got your basic to do lists, like “personal” which I use for housework, “errands” and “work” which I use for my college teaching. But then you can add more lists. So I have one for the nonfiction book I’m under contract for, the novel I want to start submitting soon, short story ideas I want to develop, the second job I mentor for, magazine articles I want to write, things I want to cook for dinner tonight, even a list of things I want my husband to do (a literally honey do list)

Now here’s the beautiful part: once you create all these different lists for the different projects that you’re doing, you can assign days when you want to accomplish each task, creating a daily to do list:

The only thing that’s  not included in the free version of this app that I kind of want is the ability to see tasks after they’ve been completed. Like I can’t show you that for today I’ve already checked off applying for a grant and cleaning a bathroom. It would also be cool to set up reoccurring tasks, like every day there’s laundry, and I’d like to do writing exercises every day. But so far this has really helped me stay on top of multiple projects and not feel so overwhelmed. My house is slowly getting clean, I got the book revisions in on time, and I’m on track to have everything set up and ready for my fall classes.

A shot of what the app looks like, if you want to try it:

A Long Road

Thirteen years ago, in the early evening, Faiyaz and I walked through Manhattan. Shops were trying to close early, most people were headed to Times Square. We went into a hotel lobby. No one stopped to see if we were guests, so we went up an escalator, and up to a second floor ballroom. It was empty. There, in the same room we had met in eight months earlier, Faiyaz officially proposed, and I said yes.

We had been talking about marriage for about a month prior to that. We did not have very many definite plans. We would live in Florida because the cost of living was cheaper. We would finish our bachelor degrees. We both wanted a large family, and to start having kids early. Oh, and we knew that I would write.

While dating, Faiyaz had already been given several cheesy poems. He knew my goals and dreams for writing, and supported them wholeheartedly. From the beginning, the plan was for me to write. We both wanted for me to be home with the kids while they were young, but for me to balance writing at the same time. When we made that plan, I don't think either of us understood what that would mean, what starting a writing career would look like, what that would take.

Several years ago, I read an article on a study about how long it took several successful fantasy writers to get their first book published. The average was 10.5 years. That gave me comfort at a time I felt like I was pounding on a door that would never open.

Yesterday I was thinking back to when I wrote my first novel, the accomplishment that for me marks the serious beginning of my efforts at writing. It was just a few months after the birth of my first child, the summer after I graduated with my BA in English (concentration in creative writing).

That summer was ten and a half years ago. My first book was published this month. I guess that makes me average. I don't really know what happens yet...will I sell another nonfiction book? Will I sell my novel? I do know I will keep writing, and that I will be trying to sell another book. There will always be another book.

I know how those ten and a half years felt for me, what the work and frustration and seeking to improve were like. I do not know how they felt for Faiyaz. I know what he's done.

When, while writing that first novel, a well-meaning friend asked "Why don't you stop writing so you have more time to clean your house?" Faiyaz laughed, and vacuumed the living room.

When I eagerly sent out over seventy query letters for that first book, and got back about the same number of rejections (minus those who did not reply at all) and I sagged under the weight of those rejections, Faiyaz just asked what I would do next. When would I start writing again?

When I started a second novel, typing while nursing my second baby, only a month old, a relative asked if I was sure I wanted to write then. Why not rest more? Faiyaz watched the pages pile up, along with the dishes. I finished a draft in about two months.

When I'd revised that novel, and had researched a conference where I could pitch it, Faiyaz made a way for me to go. He also helped me pack, and pick out a new purse.

When the agent who'd requested the full manuscript at that conference (the agent I'd researched meticulously and read several interviews by, the agent I really wanted) sent a vaguely worded rejection letter, Faiyaz was there. He watched me grieve this slightly more personal rejection, from a person I'd met face to face and whom I really liked,

When I was pregnant with my third child, and mentioned a writing workshop being held by a writer I liked in our state, Faiyaz researched it, and sent in the application for me. He was so excited to show me the acceptance letter. Then he drove me three hours south, and dropped me off, leaving to spend four days as a single parent with two young kids.

When I finished writing my fourth novel, and I wanted to bid on a charity auction where an agent would critique the novel, Faiyaz was there with me, even though it was money that could be spent elsewhere, on other things.

When I got the critique back, Faiyaz read through it with me. He listened as I made my revision plans, then held down the fort while I revised. And revised. And revised.

When I sent out a hand full of queries, and got back a handful of rejections, I went back to advice I'd been given from a former teacher. I did a little research. I tentatively suggested grad school, even though it would mean a lot of debt, and that scared me. Faiyaz enthusiastically encouraged me, even as we looked realistically at the cost. I found a program, and applied.

When I left to go to residency, Faiyaz managed the home. The first residency, in the summer, the girls went to stay with family. In January for the second residency, Faiyaz took two weeks off to be a stay at home dad...and did it better than I do.

When we found out we were expecting our fourth child, and I told Faiyaz I didn't want to take time off from grad school, Faiyaz supported that. For my third residency, Faiyaz came with our beautiful month old baby so I could nurse between lectures. A faculty member said to me, in amazement, "You're really here!" I realized she meant I was there, going to every lecture and reading, even though my husband and baby were there too. The faculty was very supportive. Faiyaz was a rockstar.

When I decided to send in a book proposal for this nonfiction book, Faiyaz watched. He gave me room and space. Even though I was still working on my MFA, even though I wasn't sure I could do both, he was sure. He believed.

When I graduated, Faiyaz drove from Virginia to Minnesota with four children by himself to see my reading and to watch me graduate. It meant so much to have my husband and four girls there, watching me graduate.

When I started teaching, and began the juggling act of nonfiction book writing and paper grading, Faiyaz gave me time. If I needed a kid free Saturday, writing at the library, he gave it. If I was camped out on the couch writing, he took care of the kids, made them do their chores, and brought me a grilled cheese sandwich.

When the subject of the book began to mess with me, he listened. When I had a phone interview, he kept the kids busy and quiet. When I felt overwhelmed and frustrated, he listened.

Ten and a half years. Six books. One book published.

What does it feel like to be the support system, the perpetual cheerleader, the one to pick up the slack, for ten and a half years while your spouse chases a dream?

Some spouses may be bitter, they may recent the time that writing has taken. I've known writers with spouses like that. But Faiyaz? Faiyaz is in my corner, ever my support, ever my biggest believer.

Sometimes he believes more than I do.

"I think I'm going to do a book proposal for one of the nonfiction books I want to write"

"What about your novel?"

"I think I'd have a better chance with another nonfiction book."

"But don't you want to sell your novel?"

"It just feels selfish to work on a novel when I know I can sell a nonfiction book."

"Be selfish."

Over the years, he's gently asked why I'm not writing, what my goals are, what I'm writing next. He's given me time and space to create, he's shown our girls that what I'm doing is important and has value. When I'm behind and struggling to catch up, he's held things together at home and picked up the slack. He's put as much time and money and work into this as I have.

As 2016 ends, as the day we started our journey on has come again, as I hit the 10.5 years statistic for publishing a first book, as I make plans for 2017 and share them with Faiyaz, I know he's going to help me meet those goals. I know that my successes are in a large part thanks to him. And I'm so grateful for all that love and support. Being a writer isn't easy, it's hard work and painful, it's frustrating and overwhelming. I'm sure being married to a writer is much the same.

Assisting Sexual Assault Survivors as a Youth Leader

Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

            It can be very hard to know how to react when someone discloses sexual assault, whether it be from a friend, a family member, or someone you may work with. I think that when you are a religious leader it can be even harder to know how to help. Many of these challenges are universal to many faiths, some may be unique. The language and focus of this essay will be on challenges faced by lay members serving as youth leaders in the LDS church, but the advice, suggestions, research, and suggested resources will be applicable to religious leaders from many different faiths, as well as for leaders of youth in nonreligious organizations such as the 4-H program, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and various school clubs. Let me clarify briefly: I am in no way speaking for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, these are my views based on extensive research and interviews with sexual assault survivors. Also: this information is heavily researched-base, much of it comes from psychology journals. I provide links to many resources and some news articles, but I do not link to the journals because most cannot be accessed without a paid membership. If you want or need the full citations for those articles, please let me know and I will gladly provide the citation.

            When you are an adult working with teens you will be developing relationships of trust. Such relationships may lead to teens feeling comfortable disclosing personal information. When faced with these situations, you have the ability to do a great deal of good. You also have the ability to cause a lot of harm. A few of the survivors who shared their stories for my book are LDS or member of another faith, but many other LDS friends spoke to me privately about their experiences. I noticed a pattern that more of the religious survivors of sexual assault struggled with feelings of self-blame, guilt, or shame long after the assault than those who are not religious. The exception to this were survivors who were assaulted by a stranger. Sometimes these negative feelings were compounded by negative experiences disclosing their assault to other church members. At the same time, over the past two years four different youth leaders who are friends or acquaintances have approached me for advice and resources on how to help teen survivors that they work with at church. I felt that compiling this information in a focused way and making it available on this blog would be an efficient way to share this info with those who may need it. While much of this is touched upon in my book, the audience of that work are teenagers, those who are survivors and those who may be friends with survivors. The needs of youth leaders are slightly different.

            Safety and Agency

            First let me start by saying that it’s important for survivors to be given choice and autonomy. Sexual assault is the ultimate violation of choice, or free agency. Having the power to choose and lead in your recovery journey after a sexual assault can be extremely empowering.

The exception of this is children. Your role as the leader of children is to provide protection. If you are working with a child who discloses sexual assault or if you suspect a child is being abused, you must report it. Period. Even if it does turn out that you’re wrong, the most it will do is cause an inconvenience for the family. Because reporting is anonymous, it won’t harm your relationship with the parent in question. But if you are right, your intervention may protect the child and end abuse.

Intervention is also needed if the person disclosing is suicidal, or is a minor in a situation of ongoing abuse. It is very important to establish that the teen is currently safe. Immediate safety trumps all other concerns, even if the teen doesn’t recognize that as a priority.

Supporting Teens Recovering from Abuse

            I have had conversations over the past couple of years with youth leaders who are working with teen survivors in situations where the abuse has ended but the teen is still dealing with the emotional damage from the abuse. There are many things that leaders in such situations can do to help the survivor. Three major forms of aid include: emotional support, tangible aid, and informational support. It’s also important to avoid victim blaming or reinforcing other rape myths. Regardless of what form of aid you are offering the survivor, remember that you need to be following their lead. Their free agency has been violated. Violating it further by trying to force them to get help a certain way or pressuring them to file a police report can be harmful. Even if he or she is asking you to tell them what to do you should encourage them to seek out the best options for themselves. (The cliché of by study and prayer is absolutely applicable here) By being an active participant in their recovery, they will be exercising their free agency which in turns aids in the healing process. This also allows the survivor to heal at their own pace.

            I really love the way one victim advocate and survivor described it: there is a trauma spiral. The closer you are to the traumatic event, the more painful and difficult it is. The further you are from the trauma the less extreme the pain will be, and the less frequently it will come up. Where someone is in this spiral may not be related to time. It can be time, but also the support received from friends and family (and leaders). It can also be the amount and quality of help they have received, through counseling and other services. Not everyone is immediately ready to begin healing though. I’ve talked with some survivors who couldn’t begin to face their abuse for decades afterwards. From the research I’ve done, I don’t think it is healthy or helpful to try to force this process for someone else. Remember that sexual assault is trauma. No one reacts exactly the same to traumatic events, and no reaction is “weird,” or “unusual,” all of these reactions are our brain’s efforts to protect us.

Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

            Emotional Support

When a survivor reaches out to someone and tells them about their assault, they are often seeking validation and emotional support. A positive response when someone discloses sexual assault can be a huge help and aid towards healing.

1.      Let the survivor know you believe them. (This is big)

2.      Let the survivor tell their story in their own way. It may take time. Be patient.

3.      Acknowledge the impact. This can be simply saying “I’m sorry” or “I know this must be really hard.” When you don’t know what to say, you can simply let the survivor know that you are listening and that you care.

4.      Let the survivor know it is not their fault. Even if the abuser used coercion and pressure to force compliance, it is still sexual assault. This can be really hard for members of religious groups that emphasize chastity.  Many abusers know this, and will try to make the victim feel like it is their fault or they are in some way damaged goods because of the abuse. I’ve spoken to many survivors whose abusers have used good religious principles to keep victims from coming forward and to keep them in abusive relationships. This is a grotesque manipulation, and it absolutely should be pointed out that this is not in keeping with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Explain that coercion, especially when there is an imbalance of power, is not consent.

5.      Let the survivor know that your opinion of them has not been damaged or changed. This can be hard, but often when someone doesn’t know how to react or offer support, the survivor is left feeling that they are now seen as a “freak” or as someone who is “damaged”. Simply including them in class or group activities the way you did before can be reassuring and provide a sense of normalcy.

6.      Be available to talk. This can be tricky too. It’s good for the survivor to have someone safe to talk to, and if you can be that person that’s great. If, however, the survivor is trying to use you as a replacement for counseling, or if it becomes more than you can handle, you do need to exercise self-care. Offering the survivor alternative resources can help. I will cover these more under tangible aid and informational support.

Tangible Aid

This is a much more hands on form of help. Like other forms of help, you should follow the lead of the survivor, and also encourage the survivor to be active in deciding what the best actions will be for their recovery process.

1.      Taking time to visit with the survivor.

2.      Accompany the survivor to the hospital, to the police to file a report, or to a local sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. Sometimes taking these steps can be scary, and having someone with them could be extremely helpful.

3.      Offering to be present when the survivor discloses to their parents.

Informational Support

This is a very limited list of resources and forms of assistances. Too much information at once can be very overwhelming, so this is another area where listening to what the survivor needs most can be helpful in decided what resources to suggest. It will be good to look into these resources yourself so that you know what each one is about.

1.      The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) is the largest organization for sexual assault survivors and education in the United States. The RAINN website provides a lot of information about sexual assault, recovery from sexual assault, and resources that are available. www.rainn.org. RAINN also runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline. This is a great resource for survivors to be aware of. Trained hotline staffers are available 24/7 to assist survivors in crisis to find the best resources for them.

2.      Your local sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. These centers have many services for survivors. Many have trained advocates who are available to go with survivors to the hospital, to the police, or to court dates. Most offer free or low cost counseling, individual counseling or group counseling. Some even provide services and programs specifically for teen survivors. You can look up your local center at https://centers.rainn.org/

3.      There are apps that are available to help with anxiety, some through breathing exercises and guided meditation. Some of my favorite include Pacifica (https://www.thinkpacifica.com/) Relax Lite (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/relax-lite-stress-anxiety/id409665681?mt=8) and MindShift (https://www.anxietybc.com/resources/mindshift-app) Mindshift is designed specifically for teens and young adults.

4.      Healing through creation. Journaling can be very helpful for survivors as well, giving then an additional tool for processing and reframing their experiencing. Art can also be a great way to express pain and initiate healing. At a rape crisis center I visited, I was shown art created by teen survivors as ways to express the pain they experienced. One project they had survivors complete is decorating masks. On one half of the mask survivors were asked to show the face or mask they have to show the world, on the other half they were asked to show what’s inside. Another project involved decorating boxes. The inside of the box represented the experience. As healing was achieved, survivors were able to close the box. The box will always be part of the person, and at times they may choose to take out the box and examine the experience. The goal of healing isn’t to return to “normal” but to accept this new part of the individual. I like the box analogy for this a lot. I was also shown a huge elaborate book that was part scrap book part paintings and part poetry that one survivor made as a chronology of her healing. She left it there so it could be inspiration for other survivors.

I recently met a counselor who specializes in working with survivors of sexual assault and who incorporates a spiritual element into her work. I was really impressed with her approach, and I think it’s something appropriate for religious leaders to do. She points out that victims, especially during and immediately after an assault, often feel that they are completely alone, and that God has abandoned them. She focuses on helping survivors recognize tiny everyday examples of God and the Savior still being there, sometimes in ways as simple as the words of a song or a light in the dark. As appropriate, reminding survivors of the love of God and the power of the atonement to heal all wounds can also be helpful.

Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

What to Avoid

I think it’s important to talk too about things not to do when someone discloses an experience with sexual assault. It can be hard to hear about sexual assault, but it’s even harder to disclose it. Here are some of the worst reactions you can give that can actually cause harm to survivors:

1.      Asking blaming questions: “What were you wearing?” “Were you drinking?” Even if the survivor made poor choices, that does not justify a sexual assault. Victim blaming and self-blame can be extremely harmful to the healing process and can cause more harm to the survivor.

2.      Not believing the survivor. It is a very common myth that people (especially girls and women) lie about being sexually assaulted. From the best research I’ve seen, people are just as likely to lie about being sexually assaulted as they are to lie about any other crime. Yes, there are occasions of it happening, but it’s as likely as someone lying about their TV being stolen. Abusers often try to silence victims by telling them that no one will believe them. It is very scary to come forward about sexual assault, especially when there are so many examples in the media of women who come forward being raked over the coals and demonized. Add to that the examples of rapists being let off with barely any consequences (like Brock Turner) it becomes increasingly difficult for victims to speak up. When they do, and they are not believed, it can serve to silence them and prevent them from getting help.

3.      Forcing the survivor to seek help in ways they are not prepared to do. As I’ve covered, this changes when the survivor is a child and the abuse is ongoing. With teens it’s also important to intervene when the abuse is still taking place. If the teen is suicidal intervention is also appropriate. When the teen is in an otherwise stable and healthy situation, letting them exercise agency in their recovery can be very empowering.

4.      Distraction or avoidance. This can include changing the subject or ending the conversation. This is a common reaction when someone doesn’t know what to say.

5.      Minimizing. This is when someone tries to imply that a sexual assault wasn’t that bad. This can include implying that the victim is overreacting.

Other things to keep in mind: sexual assault is a very serious kind of trauma. Sexual assault victims are more likely to develop PTSD than combat vets, and their PTSD symptoms tend to be more severe. Most survivors will need professional counseling at some point. Not all counselors are trained or experienced in working with sexual assault survivors, so it may take some time to find the right fit. As a youth leader, it may be unrealistic for you to expect to be able to “fix” this problem, or to even witness full healing. However, your help can be an important step in the survivor’s journey. As a youth leader, you can absolutely seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost in how to best help this individual, but like we are counseled to do in other situations, study, or in this case, becoming educated on sexual assault and the effects of trauma is an important step. The more informed you are, the better able you will be to receive promptings on how to best act.

Religious organizations have great potential to help survivors of sexual assault. Unfortunately, when there is a lack of understanding about trauma and how perpetrators target their victims, these same organizations can cause great harm. Bob Jones University faced criticism recently for the way their form of biblical counseling emphasized sexual assault victims identifying ways their assault was their fault and then “repenting” of that. When GRACE, an independent Christian organization hired by the school to investigate the handling of sexual assault cases, encouraged the university to discontinue the usage of biblical counseling in this context, the university president issued a statement that the school will continue current practices. (http://www.thestate.com/latest-news/article16149404.html)

By contrast, a protest at Brigham Young University on the handling of sexual assault cases prompted an investigation and extensive interviews by the university into the handling of sexual assault cases. The university recognized how perpetrators were abusing current policies, and implemented positive changes to protect students and make campus safer for all students. (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/27/us/brigham-young-sexual-assault-honor-code-violations.html?_r=0)

In the women’s session of general conference this October, Sister Jean B. Bingham shared a quote from a letter a friend sent her: “The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment.” I think this is especially important to remember in situations where a sexual assault may follow poor choices. Regardless of the situation, that does not minimize the seriousness of sexual assault, or the damaging effects. Sometimes the most important service you may be doing is helping the survivor recognize that they are not to blame. I’ve talked to many survivors who have blamed themselves for their assault, and this often limits their ability to heal or even to reach out for the services and help they need. Think of it this way: if I were to jaywalk, and then be hit by a drunk driver, me jaywalking in no way minimizes the harm done by someone driving drunk. It would also in no way minimize the amount of medical care I would need after being hit by a car. Is jaywalking a wise choice? Maybe not…but it is a minor issue compared to drunk driving. And as I’m in the ER with serious injuries, being lectured on jaywalking by my doctor who should be treating those injuries is not helpful, it is harmful and it is preventing healing. My injuries following being hit by a car after jay walking will also be just as serious as injuries of someone who was hit by a car in a crosswalk.

A common mistake religious teachers make when encouraging wise choices is to use sexual assault as a cautionary tale. Saying things like “if you go places you shouldn’t, bad things could happen” is planting the seeds of victim blaming and self-blame. It is also contrary to gospel teachings. We are not obedient to gospel standards or commandments out of fear of punishment or consequence, we are obedient out of love of God. And while there are some natural consequences to not living the commandments (like poor health if one does not live the Word of Wisdom) God does not use sexual assault to punish people for making poor choices. It’s not a natural consequence, it is someone using their free agency to violate the agency of another person.

Another issue is how we talk about sexual purity and the law of chastity. Too often we fail to distinguish the difference between breaking the law of chastity and sexual assault. When we talk about being clean morally or being chaste and virtuous, too often we equate these things with being virginal, which is a false equation. A sexual assault victim may not be a virgin, but they are pure and virtuous, even if they may not feel that way. Taking the extra time to explain that having your agency violated is different than making a choice is a vital distinction. As a youth instructor, you may not know the experiences of everyone in your class, nor can you tell the future and know what those young men or young women may experience later. Making it clear that being the victim of sexual assault is not a sin could save someone in your class years of anguish and guilt. I feel this is an attitude that is beginning to change. Elizabeth Smart has been very outspoken on this issue, using her spotlight in the media to promote positive change both in the church and in the world. (https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/elizabeth-smart-is-standing-up-for-rape-victimsand-tearing-down-purity-culture) I feel her voice, and the voice of others, are contributing to more understanding and compassion on this topic.

If you are faced with questions on this topic that you do not know the answer to, be willing to do the research and become informed. You are in a unique position to provide aid and to be a positive influence in the life of a survivor. Be knowledgeable. Be prayerful. And be patient. As already stated, you may not see the end result. Even if you don’t see the results of your efforts, do not doubt that you are making a difference and helping our Heavenly Father’s children.

When I found the church as a young teen, it was my refuge. My leaders were extremely patient with me. As I struggled with emotional and physical abuse and neglect, the gospel was my light. It helped me heal in a million tiny ways over a long period of time. I know the gospel and inspired leaders can provide that same refuge, that same comfort and healing, to survivors of sexual assault.

For more tips on how to help a survivor: https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor

Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

Shattered

Tonight as I read the news and discuss current events with friends, some of whom are survivors of sexual assault, I keep reviewing in my mind the interviews and stories I collected while working on the book, as well as the off the record conversations I had with survivors who supported the book, but weren't ready to share their story.

All of these stories that I heard were different, all the people were different, but one word I heard from many of them was "shattered". Not all of them, but enough that it became a recognizable theme.

One morning I woke up to an email from a survivor with a poem of that title. The poem is rather long, and it does appear in the book, but to briefly sum it up, she described her healing process as going from shattered to creating something new with the pieces: a stain glass window. I love that image.

I'm not a psychologist, I'm a writer. But a clear pattern began to emerge from the stories I heard, and from the psychology research I read: recovery is possible. Healing won't return you to how you were before, but from the pieces, something beautiful can emerge.

Sometimes from the news, there seems to be no hope, no justice. When I started working on this book, I felt that criminal prosecution was the most important thing for a victim after an assault. The year spent researching and talking to survivors and those who work with them changed my world view. Self-care and healing are more important, finding support and acceptance are more important, discovering how to reshape the pieces into a new and brilliant whole...these are all more important.

You can recover. No, your life will not be the same. Many of the survivors I've talked to who are far along in their recovery don't want their lives to be the same. You don't have to recover today, or even tomorrow. It will take time...give yourself time. Stain glass windows are masterpieces that take a long time to create. There is support and help available for you.

One great resource is your local sexual assault crisis center or sexual assault service provider. You can look up a center near you at https://centers.rainn.org/

To take a look inside or to purchase "Sexual Assault: The Ultimate Teen Guide":  https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Assault-Ultimate-Guide-Happened/dp/1442252472/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1472866360&sr=8-3&keywords=teen+sexual+assault