I'm so tired of the headlines, the excuses: the bright young man, his hopes and dreams. It can't all be thrown away over this one "mistake."
I'm also sick of the lists: so-and-so interviewed x number of convicted rapists in jail, and compiled this handy list of how not to get raped.
No. Just no. I've read the lists, they are crap. Here's the hard truth: We could all be victims of a sexual assault. It's not the stranger lurking in a parking lot in a white van...it's your family member, your friend, your spouse. 86% of assault victims know their assailants. That means that stranger assault only accounts for 14% of assaults...and those are the only ones that will generally lead to jail time. Out of 100 assaults, just one or two will lead to jail time. Which means if so-and-so really did go around and interview a lot of rapist in jail, then so-and-so would only have data on a slime percentage of rapists.
Here's a crazy idea: Instead of giving girls "safety lists," why don't we raise up boys who won't think it's okay to rape a friend, a family member, a loved one?
Recently a group was organized by family members of college men accused of rape who felt these accusations were false. There's a common myth that women lie about being raped. Actually, women lie about being raped at the same rate as other crime is falsely reported: about 2-8%. A young man in college is more liked to be raped than it is likely that he will be falsely accused of rape. Most rapes on college campuses are perpetrated by a small percent of college males. These are repeat offenders who target their victims.
These are not "accidents" or "misunderstandings."
So, dear young man: after interviewing over 40 survivors of sexual assault, some male and some female, all of whom were assaulted by a male perpetrator, I feel I've gained some valuable insight on how to help you not rape. (yes, a woman can commit assault too, there were just no female perpetrators in my interview pool)
1. Ask for consent. While it's usually clear that a woman doesn't want sex, you may be confused by popular rape myths that some violence or resistance during intercourse is "romantic". So ask.
2. Be aware that not saying no doesn't mean yes. If she's unconscious, she can't consent. Also, sometimes women who are being sexually assaulted will freeze. It's a physiological response intended for self-preservation. Be sure she says yes.
3. The yes doesn't count if you're threatening her. That's called coercion, and yes, it's still sexual assault, and can cause long lasting harm to the victim. So it's only a yes if she really wants to say yes, not if she says yes because you threaten/bully her.
4. A short dress is not a yes. Women dress the way they do for a variety of reasons, but it's not a common way for a woman to give consent. Be aware of social cues women usually give that's she's interested....but a dress isn't one of them.
5. Accepting a drink from you is not a yes either. If you want to pay for sex, you can travel to Nevada where prostitution is legal. It is not a social cue of consent to accept a drink or to let a guy pay for a date...even if the date is expensive. Consent is willingly saying "yes."
6. Learn to be comfortable talking and listening to sexual wants/desires. This is an important skill in general, and can greatly improve sexual relationships. If your partner consents to sex, but doesn't consent to another sexual act, and you force that act anyway...then yes, that is sexual assault. Consent is saying yes to each act. And sure, when you know someone well and you've been intimate before, that yes may just be a touch or some other cue...but that's only when you really know someone. If you're not sure...ask!
Okay, so those are the basics, but I'm sure you have some concerns still. Let me cover those:
7. You may think that women say "no" when they really mean "yes." This is false. I had a student say this once. I asked the women in the class if they've told a guy no, and they all raised their hands. Then I asked them if they meant it....and guess what? They all raised their hands AGAIN! So if a woman is telling you no, she means no. There's no secret code here.
8. Some guys will also say: "she was flirting with me, so she was asking for it." Um, no. I feel that anyone who says this is asking to be punched in the face. They're asking for it, right? However, if someone said this in my hearing and I did punch them in the face, that would be battery, even though I felt their comment meant they were asking for it. Same thing applies here: just because she's flirting doesn't mean she's asking for it. If she tells you no, she means it. If you have sex with her anyways, that's rape.
9. Another thing that comes up a lot in trials to defend rapists is the "he's a nice guy" defense. A lot of rapists think they are nice guys, usually their families think they are nice guys too. And sure, he may be an athlete and a great team member, or he may volunteer at the Boys and Girls club or the soup kitchen. He may be a great student. And yes, it's a little sad to see all that go to waste... However, despite this, he still made a choice. He chose to throw that all the way...even though he probably didn't think he was, because he probably knew it was statistically probably that he'd get away with it...he may have already gotten away with it before. So here's what I'm saying: Don't feel sorry for this guy. Nope. Not at all. Don't sympathize with the rapist. Think of the victim: think of her bright future, her hopes and dreams. Think of how her grades will suffer, how she may lose her job, how she will suffer mentally. She may develop PTSD. She may struggle for the rest of her life to establish meaningful relationships, to have a marriage, to have sex and enjoy it. To give birth without being triggered and re-experiencing some aspect of the assault while in labor. To not flinch away when her children hug her. That rapist made a choice. This woman had her choice stolen.
So don't tell me how this poor guy shouldn't be punished...when he's stolen so much. Tell him not to rape.
www.amazon.com/Sexual-Assault-Ultimate-Guide-Happened/dp/1442252472/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471325523&sr=8-1&keywords=olivia+ghafoerkhan
