It can be very hard to know how to
react when someone discloses sexual assault, whether it be from a friend, a
family member, or someone you may work with. I think that when you are a
religious leader it can be even harder to know how to help. Many of these
challenges are universal to many faiths, some may be unique. The language and
focus of this essay will be on challenges faced by lay members serving as youth
leaders in the LDS church, but the advice, suggestions, research, and suggested
resources will be applicable to religious leaders from many different faiths,
as well as for leaders of youth in nonreligious organizations such as the 4-H
program, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and various school clubs. Let me clarify
briefly: I am in no way speaking for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints, these are my views based on extensive research and interviews with
sexual assault survivors. Also: this information is heavily researched-base,
much of it comes from psychology journals. I provide links to many resources
and some news articles, but I do not link to the journals because most cannot
be accessed without a paid membership. If you want or need the full citations
for those articles, please let me know and I will gladly provide the citation.
When you are an adult working with
teens you will be developing relationships of trust. Such relationships may
lead to teens feeling comfortable disclosing personal information. When faced
with these situations, you have the ability to do a great deal of good. You
also have the ability to cause a lot of harm. A few of the survivors who shared
their stories for my book are LDS or member of another faith, but many other
LDS friends spoke to me privately about their experiences. I noticed a pattern
that more of the religious survivors of sexual assault struggled with feelings
of self-blame, guilt, or shame long after the assault than those who are not
religious. The exception to this were survivors who were assaulted by a
stranger. Sometimes these negative feelings were compounded by negative
experiences disclosing their assault to other church members. At the same time,
over the past two years four different youth leaders who are friends or acquaintances
have approached me for advice and resources on how to help teen survivors that
they work with at church. I felt that compiling this information in a focused
way and making it available on this blog would be an efficient way to share
this info with those who may need it. While much of this is touched upon in my
book, the audience of that work are teenagers, those who are survivors and
those who may be friends with survivors. The needs of youth leaders are
slightly different.
Safety and Agency
First let me start by saying that
it’s important for survivors to be given choice and autonomy. Sexual assault is
the ultimate violation of choice, or free agency. Having the power to choose
and lead in your recovery journey after a sexual assault can be extremely
empowering.
The exception of this is children. Your
role as the leader of children is to provide protection. If you are working
with a child who discloses sexual assault or if you suspect a child is being
abused, you must report it. Period. Even if it does turn out that you’re wrong,
the most it will do is cause an inconvenience for the family. Because reporting
is anonymous, it won’t harm your relationship with the parent in question. But
if you are right, your intervention may protect the child and end abuse.
Intervention is also needed if the person
disclosing is suicidal, or is a minor in a situation of ongoing abuse. It is
very important to establish that the teen is currently safe. Immediate safety
trumps all other concerns, even if the teen doesn’t recognize that as a
priority.
Supporting Teens Recovering from Abuse
I have had conversations over the
past couple of years with youth leaders who are working with teen survivors in
situations where the abuse has ended but the teen is still dealing with the
emotional damage from the abuse. There are many things that leaders in such
situations can do to help the survivor. Three major forms of aid include:
emotional support, tangible aid, and informational support. It’s also important
to avoid victim blaming or reinforcing other rape myths. Regardless of what
form of aid you are offering the survivor, remember that you need to be
following their lead. Their free agency has been violated. Violating it further
by trying to force them to get help a certain way or pressuring them to file a
police report can be harmful. Even if he or she is asking you to tell them what
to do you should encourage them to seek out the best options for themselves.
(The cliché of by study and prayer is absolutely applicable here) By being an
active participant in their recovery, they will be exercising their free agency
which in turns aids in the healing process. This also allows the survivor to
heal at their own pace.
I really love the way one victim
advocate and survivor described it: there is a trauma spiral. The closer you
are to the traumatic event, the more painful and difficult it is. The further
you are from the trauma the less extreme the pain will be, and the less
frequently it will come up. Where someone is in this spiral may not be related
to time. It can be time, but also the support received from friends and family
(and leaders). It can also be the amount and quality of help they have
received, through counseling and other services. Not everyone is immediately
ready to begin healing though. I’ve talked with some survivors who couldn’t
begin to face their abuse for decades afterwards. From the research I’ve done, I
don’t think it is healthy or helpful to try to force this process for someone
else. Remember that sexual assault is trauma. No one reacts exactly the same to
traumatic events, and no reaction is “weird,” or “unusual,” all of these
reactions are our brain’s efforts to protect us.
Emotional Support
When
a survivor reaches out to someone and tells them about their assault, they are
often seeking validation and emotional support. A positive response when
someone discloses sexual assault can be a huge help and aid towards healing.
1. Let
the survivor know you believe them. (This is big)
2. Let
the survivor tell their story in their own way. It may take time. Be patient.
3. Acknowledge
the impact. This can be simply saying “I’m sorry” or “I know this must be
really hard.” When you don’t know what to say, you can simply let the survivor
know that you are listening and that you care.
4. Let
the survivor know it is not their fault. Even if the abuser used coercion and
pressure to force compliance, it is still sexual assault. This can be really
hard for members of religious groups that emphasize chastity. Many abusers know this, and will try to make
the victim feel like it is their fault or they are in some way damaged goods
because of the abuse. I’ve spoken to many survivors whose abusers have used
good religious principles to keep victims from coming forward and to keep them
in abusive relationships. This is a grotesque manipulation, and it absolutely should
be pointed out that this is not in keeping with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Explain
that coercion, especially when there is an imbalance of power, is not consent.
5. Let
the survivor know that your opinion of them has not been damaged or changed.
This can be hard, but often when someone doesn’t know how to react or offer
support, the survivor is left feeling that they are now seen as a “freak” or as
someone who is “damaged”. Simply including them in class or group activities
the way you did before can be reassuring and provide a sense of normalcy.
6. Be
available to talk. This can be tricky too. It’s good for the survivor to have
someone safe to talk to, and if you can be that person that’s great. If,
however, the survivor is trying to use you as a replacement for counseling, or
if it becomes more than you can handle, you do need to exercise self-care.
Offering the survivor alternative resources can help. I will cover these more
under tangible aid and informational support.
Tangible
Aid
This
is a much more hands on form of help. Like other forms of help, you should
follow the lead of the survivor, and also encourage the survivor to be active
in deciding what the best actions will be for their recovery process.
1. Taking
time to visit with the survivor.
2. Accompany
the survivor to the hospital, to the police to file a report, or to a local
sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. Sometimes taking these
steps can be scary, and having someone with them could be extremely helpful.
3. Offering
to be present when the survivor discloses to their parents.
Informational
Support
This
is a very limited list of resources and forms of assistances. Too much
information at once can be very overwhelming, so this is another area where
listening to what the survivor needs most can be helpful in decided what
resources to suggest. It will be good to look into these resources yourself so
that you know what each one is about.
1. The
Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) is the largest organization for
sexual assault survivors and education in the United States. The RAINN website
provides a lot of information about sexual assault, recovery from sexual
assault, and resources that are available. www.rainn.org.
RAINN also runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline. This is a great resource
for survivors to be aware of. Trained hotline staffers are available 24/7 to
assist survivors in crisis to find the best resources for them.
2. Your
local sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. These centers have
many services for survivors. Many have trained advocates who are available to
go with survivors to the hospital, to the police, or to court dates. Most offer
free or low cost counseling, individual counseling or group counseling. Some
even provide services and programs specifically for teen survivors. You can
look up your local center at https://centers.rainn.org/
4. Healing
through creation. Journaling can be very helpful for survivors as well, giving
then an additional tool for processing and reframing their experiencing. Art
can also be a great way to express pain and initiate healing. At a rape crisis
center I visited, I was shown art created by teen survivors as ways to express
the pain they experienced. One project they had survivors complete is
decorating masks. On one half of the mask survivors were asked to show the face
or mask they have to show the world, on the other half they were asked to show
what’s inside. Another project involved decorating boxes. The inside of the box
represented the experience. As healing was achieved, survivors were able to
close the box. The box will always be part of the person, and at times they may
choose to take out the box and examine the experience. The goal of healing
isn’t to return to “normal” but to accept this new part of the individual. I
like the box analogy for this a lot. I was also shown a huge elaborate book
that was part scrap book part paintings and part poetry that one survivor made
as a chronology of her healing. She left it there so it could be inspiration
for other survivors.
I recently met a counselor who specializes
in working with survivors of sexual assault and who incorporates a spiritual
element into her work. I was really impressed with her approach, and I think
it’s something appropriate for religious leaders to do. She points out that
victims, especially during and immediately after an assault, often feel that
they are completely alone, and that God has abandoned them. She focuses on
helping survivors recognize tiny everyday examples of God and the Savior still
being there, sometimes in ways as simple as the words of a song or a light in
the dark. As appropriate, reminding survivors of the love of God and the power
of the atonement to heal all wounds can also be helpful.
What to Avoid
I think it’s important to talk too about
things not to do when someone discloses an experience with sexual assault. It
can be hard to hear about sexual assault, but it’s even harder to disclose it.
Here are some of the worst reactions you can give that can actually cause harm
to survivors:
1. Asking
blaming questions: “What were you wearing?” “Were you drinking?” Even if the
survivor made poor choices, that does not justify a sexual assault. Victim
blaming and self-blame can be extremely harmful to the healing process and can
cause more harm to the survivor.
2. Not
believing the survivor. It is a very common myth that people (especially girls
and women) lie about being sexually assaulted. From the best research I’ve
seen, people are just as likely to lie about being sexually assaulted as they
are to lie about any other crime. Yes, there are occasions of it happening, but
it’s as likely as someone lying about their TV being stolen. Abusers often try
to silence victims by telling them that no one will believe them. It is very
scary to come forward about sexual assault, especially when there are so many
examples in the media of women who come forward being raked over the coals and
demonized. Add to that the examples of rapists being let off with barely any
consequences (like Brock Turner) it becomes increasingly difficult for victims
to speak up. When they do, and they are not believed, it can serve to silence
them and prevent them from getting help.
3. Forcing
the survivor to seek help in ways they are not prepared to do. As I’ve covered,
this changes when the survivor is a child and the abuse is ongoing. With teens it’s
also important to intervene when the abuse is still taking place. If the teen
is suicidal intervention is also appropriate. When the teen is in an otherwise
stable and healthy situation, letting them exercise agency in their recovery
can be very empowering.
4. Distraction
or avoidance. This can include changing the subject or ending the conversation.
This is a common reaction when someone doesn’t know what to say.
5. Minimizing.
This is when someone tries to imply that a sexual assault wasn’t that bad. This
can include implying that the victim is overreacting.
Other things to keep in mind: sexual
assault is a very serious kind of trauma. Sexual assault victims are more
likely to develop PTSD than combat vets, and their PTSD symptoms tend to be
more severe. Most survivors will need professional counseling at some point.
Not all counselors are trained or experienced in working with sexual assault
survivors, so it may take some time to find the right fit. As a youth leader,
it may be unrealistic for you to expect to be able to “fix” this problem, or to
even witness full healing. However, your help can be an important step in the
survivor’s journey. As a youth leader, you can absolutely seek the guidance of
the Holy Ghost in how to best help this individual, but like we are counseled
to do in other situations, study, or in this case, becoming educated on sexual
assault and the effects of trauma is an important step. The more informed you
are, the better able you will be to receive promptings on how to best act.
Religious organizations have great
potential to help survivors of sexual assault. Unfortunately, when there is a
lack of understanding about trauma and how perpetrators target their victims,
these same organizations can cause great harm. Bob Jones University faced
criticism recently for the way their form of biblical counseling emphasized
sexual assault victims identifying ways their assault was their fault and then
“repenting” of that. When GRACE, an independent Christian organization hired by
the school to investigate the handling of sexual assault cases, encouraged the
university to discontinue the usage of biblical counseling in this context, the
university president issued a statement that the school will continue current
practices. (http://www.thestate.com/latest-news/article16149404.html)
In the women’s session of general
conference this October, Sister Jean B. Bingham shared a quote from a letter a
friend sent her: “The greatest
form of charity may be to withhold judgment.” I think this is especially
important to remember in situations where a sexual assault may follow poor
choices. Regardless of the situation, that does not minimize the seriousness of
sexual assault, or the damaging effects. Sometimes the most important service
you may be doing is helping the survivor recognize that they are not to blame.
I’ve talked to many survivors who have blamed themselves for their assault, and
this often limits their ability to heal or even to reach out for the services
and help they need. Think of it this way: if I were to jaywalk, and then be hit
by a drunk driver, me jaywalking in no way minimizes the harm done by someone
driving drunk. It would also in no way minimize the amount of medical care I
would need after being hit by a car. Is jaywalking a wise choice? Maybe not…but
it is a minor issue compared to drunk driving. And as I’m in the ER with
serious injuries, being lectured on jaywalking by my doctor who should be
treating those injuries is not helpful, it is harmful and it is preventing
healing. My injuries following being hit by a car after jay walking will also
be just as serious as injuries of someone who was hit by a car in a crosswalk.
A common
mistake religious teachers make when encouraging wise choices is to use sexual
assault as a cautionary tale. Saying things like “if you go places you
shouldn’t, bad things could happen” is planting the seeds of victim blaming and
self-blame. It is also contrary to gospel teachings. We are not obedient to
gospel standards or commandments out of fear of punishment or consequence, we
are obedient out of love of God. And while there are some natural consequences
to not living the commandments (like poor health if one does not live the Word
of Wisdom) God does not use sexual assault to punish people for making poor
choices. It’s not a natural consequence, it is someone using their free agency
to violate the agency of another person.
Another
issue is how we talk about sexual purity and the law of chastity. Too often we
fail to distinguish the difference between breaking the law of chastity and
sexual assault. When we talk about being clean morally or being chaste and
virtuous, too often we equate these things with being virginal, which is a
false equation. A sexual assault victim may not be a virgin, but they are pure
and virtuous, even if they may not feel that way. Taking the extra time to
explain that having your agency violated is different than making a choice is a
vital distinction. As a youth instructor, you may not know the experiences of
everyone in your class, nor can you tell the future and know what those young
men or young women may experience later. Making it clear that being the victim
of sexual assault is not a sin could save someone in your class years of anguish
and guilt. I feel this is an attitude that is beginning to change. Elizabeth
Smart has been very outspoken on this issue, using her spotlight in the media
to promote positive change both in the church and in the world. (https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/elizabeth-smart-is-standing-up-for-rape-victimsand-tearing-down-purity-culture) I feel her voice, and the voice of others,
are contributing to more understanding and compassion on this topic.
If you are
faced with questions on this topic that you do not know the answer to, be
willing to do the research and become informed. You are in a unique position to
provide aid and to be a positive influence in the life of a survivor. Be
knowledgeable. Be prayerful. And be patient. As already stated, you may not see
the end result. Even if you don’t see the results of your efforts, do not doubt
that you are making a difference and helping our Heavenly Father’s children.
When I
found the church as a young teen, it was my refuge. My leaders were extremely
patient with me. As I struggled with emotional and physical abuse and neglect,
the gospel was my light. It helped me heal in a million tiny ways over a long
period of time. I know the gospel and inspired leaders can provide that same
refuge, that same comfort and healing, to survivors of sexual assault.
