Monday, December 31, 2018

New Year

Only a few hours left of 2018!

At the beginning of November, my life changed drastically. I was in the middle of a million things as usual. In the middle of revising a novel, in the middle of the semester, in the middle of finishing up the last few bits and pieces of the nonfiction sibling book, in the middle of a mentorship, in the middle of applying for two writing jobs: one work for hire, the other ghostwriting. I was also constantly, aggressively, looking for more side jobs to fill up my time and earn more money. This is to say nothing of the normal day to day life with five kids, a messy house, and a church calling.

Then on November 5, nine weeks ago today, my eyes closed. And stayed closed for two and a half weeks, until my first round of Botox injections kicked in. Then they were opened about half the time, still challenging and limiting my day to day life. More Botox injections, which have finally kicked in. I’m on day four of good eye days, and I think it’s finally under control. I will continue to need Botox about every three months to treat this rare neurological disorder called blepharospasm.

With this, I began a painful process of holding on and letting go. Holding on to family, my Wonderful family that rallied around me. Holding on to my teaching job, making creative adjustments to keep the semester going. And then letting go. Mundane things, like driving, preparing my own food, seeing my kids’ faces when they laugh. I’m still not driving, but the other things are coming back or are back.

Then other things: the writing mentorship position I’ve enjoyed for over a year had to be let go of. The two jobs I was applying for were also abandoned, as well as my never ending job hunting. I did finish the edits and the index for the nonfiction sibling book which will be out in April, but my relationship with writing has changed as well.

Since I graduated with my fancy expensive degree, I’ve felt an overwhelming need to prove that it was a financially worthwhile decision. (It was definitely worthwhile from a writing craft perspective) Add to that pressing home repairs, and I became obsessed with supplementing my teaching income. It took this experience with my eyes to help me see that this pursuit of income has distracted from what matters most: my true writing goals. This includes the mentorship I so enjoyed doing.

I will no longer be pursuing every writing gig or job opportunity. This doesn’t mean that my mountain of home repairs have disappeared, or that my student loan is no longer due every month. But I’ve come to realize that my focus needs to be on what matters most, and that includes in writing.

I have a lot of big goals going in to 2019. Late last night, I finished draft eight of my novel (the fifth novel I’ve written.) After basking for a few hours in the glow of a job well done, my familiar doubts started coming in. It can’t be good enough, those new elements I’ve added must not be working, there must be something I’m missing. I need to find someone to tell me what’s missing.

And I stopped myself there. This is draft eight, I’ve gotten feedback from some of the most brilliant people I know. I reached out to two friends to check if something specific is working, and that’s it. I’m finally going to submit aggressively, something I haven’t done since the first novel I wrote so many years ago. I’ve done a lot to work on my writing craft, and I’ve written a lot, but have only done a handful of query letters here and there. It’s time.

I’m also going to write two new books in 2019. One is a nonfiction book on religion that will be like a combination of an anthology and a devotional. It’s going to be young adult, and when it’s complete I’ll be seeking a different publisher than the one I’ve been working with. You will be hearing a lot more about this project as I put together submission guidelines and an info packet. I will be aggressively seeking essay submissions from teens, and will be using my blog to organize all information about the project as it unfolds.

I’m also going to be working on a young adult novel in verse that addresses poverty, the difficulties in overcoming poverty, and some of the many reasons some people never do. It’s going to use an untraditional structure, and I’m a little intimidated by the scope of the project. However it’s important, and a story that needs to be told, and this seems like the most appropriate way to tell it. 

I want to fill my life with things that are meaningful and make a difference, including my writing life. My novel, while a fantasy, has important issues imbedded throughout. This new nonfiction project will shed light on the common ground in many belief systems, and has the potential to increase understanding and empathy, bringing people closer together. And this novel in verse will shed light on a much forgotten social ill, and hopefully dispel the myth that poor people are lazy. These are the things I want to write, not the stories of strangers or random ads.

I have many other goals for 2019 related to living in a more meaningful way. Goals related to family and personal spiritual development. I’m slowing down and focusing on fewer things. But I’m not doing less.

May your 2019 also be filled with purpose and meaning, and may you find ways to hold on to the things most important to you, and let go of those that take away or distract from what has meaning for you.