Sunday, November 6, 2016

Assisting Sexual Assault Survivors as a Youth Leader


Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com
            It can be very hard to know how to react when someone discloses sexual assault, whether it be from a friend, a family member, or someone you may work with. I think that when you are a religious leader it can be even harder to know how to help. Many of these challenges are universal to many faiths, some may be unique. The language and focus of this essay will be on challenges faced by lay members serving as youth leaders in the LDS church, but the advice, suggestions, research, and suggested resources will be applicable to religious leaders from many different faiths, as well as for leaders of youth in nonreligious organizations such as the 4-H program, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and various school clubs. Let me clarify briefly: I am in no way speaking for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, these are my views based on extensive research and interviews with sexual assault survivors. Also: this information is heavily researched-base, much of it comes from psychology journals. I provide links to many resources and some news articles, but I do not link to the journals because most cannot be accessed without a paid membership. If you want or need the full citations for those articles, please let me know and I will gladly provide the citation.
            When you are an adult working with teens you will be developing relationships of trust. Such relationships may lead to teens feeling comfortable disclosing personal information. When faced with these situations, you have the ability to do a great deal of good. You also have the ability to cause a lot of harm. A few of the survivors who shared their stories for my book are LDS or member of another faith, but many other LDS friends spoke to me privately about their experiences. I noticed a pattern that more of the religious survivors of sexual assault struggled with feelings of self-blame, guilt, or shame long after the assault than those who are not religious. The exception to this were survivors who were assaulted by a stranger. Sometimes these negative feelings were compounded by negative experiences disclosing their assault to other church members. At the same time, over the past two years four different youth leaders who are friends or acquaintances have approached me for advice and resources on how to help teen survivors that they work with at church. I felt that compiling this information in a focused way and making it available on this blog would be an efficient way to share this info with those who may need it. While much of this is touched upon in my book, the audience of that work are teenagers, those who are survivors and those who may be friends with survivors. The needs of youth leaders are slightly different.
            Safety and Agency
            First let me start by saying that it’s important for survivors to be given choice and autonomy. Sexual assault is the ultimate violation of choice, or free agency. Having the power to choose and lead in your recovery journey after a sexual assault can be extremely empowering.
The exception of this is children. Your role as the leader of children is to provide protection. If you are working with a child who discloses sexual assault or if you suspect a child is being abused, you must report it. Period. Even if it does turn out that you’re wrong, the most it will do is cause an inconvenience for the family. Because reporting is anonymous, it won’t harm your relationship with the parent in question. But if you are right, your intervention may protect the child and end abuse.
Intervention is also needed if the person disclosing is suicidal, or is a minor in a situation of ongoing abuse. It is very important to establish that the teen is currently safe. Immediate safety trumps all other concerns, even if the teen doesn’t recognize that as a priority.
Supporting Teens Recovering from Abuse
            I have had conversations over the past couple of years with youth leaders who are working with teen survivors in situations where the abuse has ended but the teen is still dealing with the emotional damage from the abuse. There are many things that leaders in such situations can do to help the survivor. Three major forms of aid include: emotional support, tangible aid, and informational support. It’s also important to avoid victim blaming or reinforcing other rape myths. Regardless of what form of aid you are offering the survivor, remember that you need to be following their lead. Their free agency has been violated. Violating it further by trying to force them to get help a certain way or pressuring them to file a police report can be harmful. Even if he or she is asking you to tell them what to do you should encourage them to seek out the best options for themselves. (The cliché of by study and prayer is absolutely applicable here) By being an active participant in their recovery, they will be exercising their free agency which in turns aids in the healing process. This also allows the survivor to heal at their own pace.
            I really love the way one victim advocate and survivor described it: there is a trauma spiral. The closer you are to the traumatic event, the more painful and difficult it is. The further you are from the trauma the less extreme the pain will be, and the less frequently it will come up. Where someone is in this spiral may not be related to time. It can be time, but also the support received from friends and family (and leaders). It can also be the amount and quality of help they have received, through counseling and other services. Not everyone is immediately ready to begin healing though. I’ve talked with some survivors who couldn’t begin to face their abuse for decades afterwards. From the research I’ve done, I don’t think it is healthy or helpful to try to force this process for someone else. Remember that sexual assault is trauma. No one reacts exactly the same to traumatic events, and no reaction is “weird,” or “unusual,” all of these reactions are our brain’s efforts to protect us.


Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com
            Emotional Support
When a survivor reaches out to someone and tells them about their assault, they are often seeking validation and emotional support. A positive response when someone discloses sexual assault can be a huge help and aid towards healing.
1.      Let the survivor know you believe them. (This is big)
2.      Let the survivor tell their story in their own way. It may take time. Be patient.
3.      Acknowledge the impact. This can be simply saying “I’m sorry” or “I know this must be really hard.” When you don’t know what to say, you can simply let the survivor know that you are listening and that you care.
4.      Let the survivor know it is not their fault. Even if the abuser used coercion and pressure to force compliance, it is still sexual assault. This can be really hard for members of religious groups that emphasize chastity.  Many abusers know this, and will try to make the victim feel like it is their fault or they are in some way damaged goods because of the abuse. I’ve spoken to many survivors whose abusers have used good religious principles to keep victims from coming forward and to keep them in abusive relationships. This is a grotesque manipulation, and it absolutely should be pointed out that this is not in keeping with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Explain that coercion, especially when there is an imbalance of power, is not consent.
5.      Let the survivor know that your opinion of them has not been damaged or changed. This can be hard, but often when someone doesn’t know how to react or offer support, the survivor is left feeling that they are now seen as a “freak” or as someone who is “damaged”. Simply including them in class or group activities the way you did before can be reassuring and provide a sense of normalcy.
6.      Be available to talk. This can be tricky too. It’s good for the survivor to have someone safe to talk to, and if you can be that person that’s great. If, however, the survivor is trying to use you as a replacement for counseling, or if it becomes more than you can handle, you do need to exercise self-care. Offering the survivor alternative resources can help. I will cover these more under tangible aid and informational support.

Tangible Aid
This is a much more hands on form of help. Like other forms of help, you should follow the lead of the survivor, and also encourage the survivor to be active in deciding what the best actions will be for their recovery process.
1.      Taking time to visit with the survivor.
2.      Accompany the survivor to the hospital, to the police to file a report, or to a local sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. Sometimes taking these steps can be scary, and having someone with them could be extremely helpful.
3.      Offering to be present when the survivor discloses to their parents.

Informational Support
This is a very limited list of resources and forms of assistances. Too much information at once can be very overwhelming, so this is another area where listening to what the survivor needs most can be helpful in decided what resources to suggest. It will be good to look into these resources yourself so that you know what each one is about.
1.      The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) is the largest organization for sexual assault survivors and education in the United States. The RAINN website provides a lot of information about sexual assault, recovery from sexual assault, and resources that are available. www.rainn.org. RAINN also runs the National Sexual Assault Hotline. This is a great resource for survivors to be aware of. Trained hotline staffers are available 24/7 to assist survivors in crisis to find the best resources for them.
2.      Your local sexual assault service provider or rape crisis center. These centers have many services for survivors. Many have trained advocates who are available to go with survivors to the hospital, to the police, or to court dates. Most offer free or low cost counseling, individual counseling or group counseling. Some even provide services and programs specifically for teen survivors. You can look up your local center at https://centers.rainn.org/
3.      There are apps that are available to help with anxiety, some through breathing exercises and guided meditation. Some of my favorite include Pacifica (https://www.thinkpacifica.com/) Relax Lite (https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/relax-lite-stress-anxiety/id409665681?mt=8) and MindShift (https://www.anxietybc.com/resources/mindshift-app) Mindshift is designed specifically for teens and young adults.
4.      Healing through creation. Journaling can be very helpful for survivors as well, giving then an additional tool for processing and reframing their experiencing. Art can also be a great way to express pain and initiate healing. At a rape crisis center I visited, I was shown art created by teen survivors as ways to express the pain they experienced. One project they had survivors complete is decorating masks. On one half of the mask survivors were asked to show the face or mask they have to show the world, on the other half they were asked to show what’s inside. Another project involved decorating boxes. The inside of the box represented the experience. As healing was achieved, survivors were able to close the box. The box will always be part of the person, and at times they may choose to take out the box and examine the experience. The goal of healing isn’t to return to “normal” but to accept this new part of the individual. I like the box analogy for this a lot. I was also shown a huge elaborate book that was part scrap book part paintings and part poetry that one survivor made as a chronology of her healing. She left it there so it could be inspiration for other survivors.

I recently met a counselor who specializes in working with survivors of sexual assault and who incorporates a spiritual element into her work. I was really impressed with her approach, and I think it’s something appropriate for religious leaders to do. She points out that victims, especially during and immediately after an assault, often feel that they are completely alone, and that God has abandoned them. She focuses on helping survivors recognize tiny everyday examples of God and the Savior still being there, sometimes in ways as simple as the words of a song or a light in the dark. As appropriate, reminding survivors of the love of God and the power of the atonement to heal all wounds can also be helpful.
Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

What to Avoid
I think it’s important to talk too about things not to do when someone discloses an experience with sexual assault. It can be hard to hear about sexual assault, but it’s even harder to disclose it. Here are some of the worst reactions you can give that can actually cause harm to survivors:
1.      Asking blaming questions: “What were you wearing?” “Were you drinking?” Even if the survivor made poor choices, that does not justify a sexual assault. Victim blaming and self-blame can be extremely harmful to the healing process and can cause more harm to the survivor.
2.      Not believing the survivor. It is a very common myth that people (especially girls and women) lie about being sexually assaulted. From the best research I’ve seen, people are just as likely to lie about being sexually assaulted as they are to lie about any other crime. Yes, there are occasions of it happening, but it’s as likely as someone lying about their TV being stolen. Abusers often try to silence victims by telling them that no one will believe them. It is very scary to come forward about sexual assault, especially when there are so many examples in the media of women who come forward being raked over the coals and demonized. Add to that the examples of rapists being let off with barely any consequences (like Brock Turner) it becomes increasingly difficult for victims to speak up. When they do, and they are not believed, it can serve to silence them and prevent them from getting help.
3.      Forcing the survivor to seek help in ways they are not prepared to do. As I’ve covered, this changes when the survivor is a child and the abuse is ongoing. With teens it’s also important to intervene when the abuse is still taking place. If the teen is suicidal intervention is also appropriate. When the teen is in an otherwise stable and healthy situation, letting them exercise agency in their recovery can be very empowering.
4.      Distraction or avoidance. This can include changing the subject or ending the conversation. This is a common reaction when someone doesn’t know what to say.
5.      Minimizing. This is when someone tries to imply that a sexual assault wasn’t that bad. This can include implying that the victim is overreacting.

Other things to keep in mind: sexual assault is a very serious kind of trauma. Sexual assault victims are more likely to develop PTSD than combat vets, and their PTSD symptoms tend to be more severe. Most survivors will need professional counseling at some point. Not all counselors are trained or experienced in working with sexual assault survivors, so it may take some time to find the right fit. As a youth leader, it may be unrealistic for you to expect to be able to “fix” this problem, or to even witness full healing. However, your help can be an important step in the survivor’s journey. As a youth leader, you can absolutely seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost in how to best help this individual, but like we are counseled to do in other situations, study, or in this case, becoming educated on sexual assault and the effects of trauma is an important step. The more informed you are, the better able you will be to receive promptings on how to best act.
Religious organizations have great potential to help survivors of sexual assault. Unfortunately, when there is a lack of understanding about trauma and how perpetrators target their victims, these same organizations can cause great harm. Bob Jones University faced criticism recently for the way their form of biblical counseling emphasized sexual assault victims identifying ways their assault was their fault and then “repenting” of that. When GRACE, an independent Christian organization hired by the school to investigate the handling of sexual assault cases, encouraged the university to discontinue the usage of biblical counseling in this context, the university president issued a statement that the school will continue current practices. (http://www.thestate.com/latest-news/article16149404.html)
By contrast, a protest at Brigham Young University on the handling of sexual assault cases prompted an investigation and extensive interviews by the university into the handling of sexual assault cases. The university recognized how perpetrators were abusing current policies, and implemented positive changes to protect students and make campus safer for all students. (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/27/us/brigham-young-sexual-assault-honor-code-violations.html?_r=0)
In the women’s session of general conference this October, Sister Jean B. Bingham shared a quote from a letter a friend sent her: “The greatest form of charity may be to withhold judgment.” I think this is especially important to remember in situations where a sexual assault may follow poor choices. Regardless of the situation, that does not minimize the seriousness of sexual assault, or the damaging effects. Sometimes the most important service you may be doing is helping the survivor recognize that they are not to blame. I’ve talked to many survivors who have blamed themselves for their assault, and this often limits their ability to heal or even to reach out for the services and help they need. Think of it this way: if I were to jaywalk, and then be hit by a drunk driver, me jaywalking in no way minimizes the harm done by someone driving drunk. It would also in no way minimize the amount of medical care I would need after being hit by a car. Is jaywalking a wise choice? Maybe not…but it is a minor issue compared to drunk driving. And as I’m in the ER with serious injuries, being lectured on jaywalking by my doctor who should be treating those injuries is not helpful, it is harmful and it is preventing healing. My injuries following being hit by a car after jay walking will also be just as serious as injuries of someone who was hit by a car in a crosswalk.
A common mistake religious teachers make when encouraging wise choices is to use sexual assault as a cautionary tale. Saying things like “if you go places you shouldn’t, bad things could happen” is planting the seeds of victim blaming and self-blame. It is also contrary to gospel teachings. We are not obedient to gospel standards or commandments out of fear of punishment or consequence, we are obedient out of love of God. And while there are some natural consequences to not living the commandments (like poor health if one does not live the Word of Wisdom) God does not use sexual assault to punish people for making poor choices. It’s not a natural consequence, it is someone using their free agency to violate the agency of another person.
Another issue is how we talk about sexual purity and the law of chastity. Too often we fail to distinguish the difference between breaking the law of chastity and sexual assault. When we talk about being clean morally or being chaste and virtuous, too often we equate these things with being virginal, which is a false equation. A sexual assault victim may not be a virgin, but they are pure and virtuous, even if they may not feel that way. Taking the extra time to explain that having your agency violated is different than making a choice is a vital distinction. As a youth instructor, you may not know the experiences of everyone in your class, nor can you tell the future and know what those young men or young women may experience later. Making it clear that being the victim of sexual assault is not a sin could save someone in your class years of anguish and guilt. I feel this is an attitude that is beginning to change. Elizabeth Smart has been very outspoken on this issue, using her spotlight in the media to promote positive change both in the church and in the world. (https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/elizabeth-smart-is-standing-up-for-rape-victimsand-tearing-down-purity-culture) I feel her voice, and the voice of others, are contributing to more understanding and compassion on this topic.
If you are faced with questions on this topic that you do not know the answer to, be willing to do the research and become informed. You are in a unique position to provide aid and to be a positive influence in the life of a survivor. Be knowledgeable. Be prayerful. And be patient. As already stated, you may not see the end result. Even if you don’t see the results of your efforts, do not doubt that you are making a difference and helping our Heavenly Father’s children.
When I found the church as a young teen, it was my refuge. My leaders were extremely patient with me. As I struggled with emotional and physical abuse and neglect, the gospel was my light. It helped me heal in a million tiny ways over a long period of time. I know the gospel and inspired leaders can provide that same refuge, that same comfort and healing, to survivors of sexual assault.
For more tips on how to help a survivor: https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-respond-survivor

Image credit: Mariella Ribbons Instagram: blondelobot http://blondelobot.deviantart.com, http://blondelobottrashart.tumblr.com

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